R.I.P. Pluto (1930-2006)

Pluto: Pissed about demotion

It was announced at the International Astronomical Union, a conference of 2,500 astronomers from over 75 countries, that Pluto will no longer be classified as a planet. Under the new planetary requirements, Pluto will fall under the category of Dwarf Planets. Also on the docket for this momentus occasion was a very heated debate over who would emerge victorious in an all-out, battle royal, Summer Slam, Heavyweight clash of Star Wars versus Star Trek characters. This will be followed immediately by a Wedgie Scar competition and Swirly Story hour.
I just can't believe that the next generation of children will be taught in science classes that there are only 8 planets and not 9 as I was taught in grade school. Teachers will have lesson plans to rewrite, new posters to buy, and that diorama that I made in 6th grade of various sizes of painted styrofoam balls, hung from fishing line and a metal clothes hanger, ain't worth shit. I guess I could just take the tiny ball of Pluto off, but that would screw up any balance that I had achieved in creating that monstrosity. I won't pander to this planetary American Idol competition where Pluto has been named the weakest link. Goodbye. I can just imagine an eighties montage of Pluto hitting the gym, running up stairs, punching cow carcasses hung from the ceiling while Eye of the Tiger plays in the background and coming back to the IAU to say, "Look at me now! Am I accepted as a planet now??"

I guess what makes me most upset is that the mnemonic that I was taught as a lad has been sullied. It is now incomplete. My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas is now My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine...nine...nine what?!, nine apples? nine forks? Grade school science classes around the country will be holding competitions to find the new mnemonic to accomodate the new acronym: MVEMJSUN. In related nerdiness, a scientist at the California Institue of Technology by the name of Michael Brown discovered that there is an object in our solar system that is slightly larger than Pluto known by the moniker 2003 UB313. Also considered a dwarf planet, Brown nicknamed the icy object "Xena" after the emmy nominated (yeah, right), science fiction series, Xena: Warrior Princess. Mr. Brown is quoted as saying, "UB313 [Xena] is the largest dwarf planet. That's kinda cool."

No Mr. Brown, it is not cool. It never will be.

After making that statement, the football team came into Mr. Brown's office and gave him an atomic wedgie that he won't soon forget.

The Hockenbury's

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." As a reader, Robb did quite well in reciting the notorious First Epistle of St. Paul to the Church at Corinth. I must also concur with Robb as he calls Jay a great guy. Since Robb is waiting for his digital pictures to post more about the Hockenbury wedding, I shall add some that my wife was able to capture this past weekend.













This picture says it all. These two are kindred souls. They truly GET each other. The best part is, they have a great time while not taking themselves seriously. If only you could see the expertly choreographed number that Meghan and her friends performed to none other than Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" It rocked...hard.







Of course I cannot forget Robb and his FOUR dates!!! What a &%$#in' pimp! (From left to right: Tara, Rachel, Robb (AKA "Mac Daddy") Robb's wife Libby, and my beautiful wife, Polly)
This picture was taken right before the ceremony. As I was one of Jay's groomsmen, Robb was kind enough to escort my wife.









This picture can be best explained by saying that Scorbie is one kickass mofo..."By our powers combined..." Somewhere along the line I did not receive the memo that the wedding party was going to wear sunglasses upon entry to the reception. Fortunately, Scorbie was prepared and gave me a set of shades to use for the occasion. As we were getting dressed for the wedding, the question was raised, "Should we wear the suspenders with our tux or shoudn't we?" As you can see, Scorbie and I were on the same page and we rocked the suspenders. However, later as more people drank more alcohol, the suspenders became an ephemeral torturing contraption allowing the perpetrator to exert maximum pain while risking little due to a quick getaway from behind us. I guess that's just revenge for all the bra straps I pulled as a misguided and flirtatious youth...


There's more to this weekend, but, as with the honey moon post, I feel I would give it the best effort if I split them into 2 posts due to the fact that I am very tired. Coming soon!!! Part two!!!!

The Money Hoon

Passenger Capacity: 2,974

Tonnage: 110,000

Ship Length: 953ft

Time spent with your wife on the cruise: Priceless






Yeah, I know that doesn't really fit but that's just what came to mind as I was rattling off statistics. What else can I say other than we had a really great time. Typically when I have taken any vacations in the past, before I know it, the trip is over and it is time to go home. This 8 day, 7 night cruise was a truly atypical vacation in that it truly lasted for the full week.

We began with a fun day at sea and Polly and I treated ourselves to a couples massage and seaweed wrap. I can honestly say that the thought of someone rubbing kelp all over my body wasn't exactly my idea of tension reduction, but let me tell you something, it...was...awesome. After the hot, green oatmeal had been spread over 95% of my body, I was wrapped in a huge piece of aluminum foil, covered with a blanket, and lowered into a warm bath. I felt like a taquito beind dropped into the deep fryer to be cooked crispy, wrapped in tin foil. For what seemed like an eternity of marinating in seaweed oatmeal and my own sweat, I awkwardly tried to keep parts of my body away from the thin layer of foil around me. All kidding aside, the trip to the spa was crazy expensive, but totally worth it.

At the first port, my wife and I stayed on the boat and enjoyed the peace and quiet while also taking advantage of the short lines for food and drinks, while most of the other passengers flocked to Cozumel. Many came back with authentic Carlos and Charlie t-shirts (Senor Frogs), most inappropriately on parents with impressionable tweenagers.












Next came the overcast visit to Belize. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it is mostly a rainforest locale. During this port visit, Polly and I went on a cave tubing adventure that won't soon be forgotten. Whoever decided to mix spelunking and watersports and overcharge naive tourists for a flashlight and an inner tube that would certainly fail an OSHA inspection, is a ____damn genius. Again, we still had a blast:) It was un"BELIZE"able! (I apologize for this phrase, however I am under diplomatic obligation from our tour guide to use it at least once)












Coming soon, part 2 of our wonderful trip to the western carribbean...I know you can't wait!

Quickie

I have returned from the weekend of golf, cheescake, friends, family, tears and laughter. 16 hours in a car were not enough to keep my wife and I from having the chance to be a part of Meghan and Jay's weekend. As a bonus, we were able to visit my brother and his girlfriend and their two dogs, Burley and Willie. Once I have had a chance to load the pictures from this weekend I will post more about the highlights of the wedding, the rehearsal, the golf outing and the reception.
Stay tuned!
For now, I am going to bed with my beautiful wife...we are no longer living in sin, we're married now:)

Posts to come

Coming soon, posts about the honeymoon, and more nuptual madness coming after Jay's and Meghan's wedding this weekend!!!

Don't miss it

Click the links to get hints;)