Classic Onion

Like OMG, TISNF!!!!

MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless

They forgot to say that it left many sexual predators without anything to do on their Thursday afternoon:)

Mexi-cation

Mexi-cation

noun-a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation, or travel; more specifically a trip taken to the Mexican Riviera by the Riede's, Muirs, and the Vitali's in July 2007.



In a little over a month we will be headed for the beautiful beaches of Playa del Carmen where we will enjoy an all-inclusive 5 night furlough. Not to ruin the surprise, but there is a "Liquor Dispenser" in each room along with a mini bar which holds juices, soda, and domestic beers. "A mini bar comes stocked with cold water, soda and domestic beer and a liquor dispenser; if it runs low, a quick call to Palace Express guarantees a quick delivery." Is this heaven on earth?

Not to pigeonhole the trip as an excuse to stay slobbering drunk (hell, I could do that here for much cheaper). I am trying to think of things that I want to accomplish while we are there. I would like to avoid getting a (bad) sunburn. I don't want to throw up in the pool (2 poolside bars do not make that easy). I would rather not throw up at all.

When I normally go out with my wife and our friends in town, I stick to beer for 2 reasons: 1) I can effectively monitor my level of intoxication with beer (and I have to since I am the driver) and 2) Beer is cheaper--plain and simple. What is to happen when those 2 safegaurds are tossed out the proverbial window??


Liquor before beer, you're in the clear
Beer before liquor, never been sicker

I guess my ultimate goal is to stay inebriated to a point that I don't get sick and don't get sober. Maintain the buzz.

Celeb Thoughts

Lindsay "Blow"han is once again in trouble with drugs and alcohol and Michael Vick is under suspicion of being involved in a dog fighting ring at his home in Virginia...our children are in trouble if these people are role models.

I guess what I can't understand is the mentality of celebrities that they have to drive. I can understand that the ability to drive is a certain freedom that can't be matched, BUT when you are in a position to afford a personal driver, a limousine, be it Hummer, Navigator, whatever, why wouldn't you take that precaution??

That's why I am going to invent the "Drunk Socialite - Virtual Driver Vehicle Apparatus"or...

The DS-VDVA ( patent pending)

The DS-VDVA offers the drunk socialite the illusion that he/she is driving the car when in fact the car is being driven by remote control at a centralized location. Sensors in the vehicle will detect Blood Alcohol Volume whereby an alarm will be sounded for the system to initiate if the level of alcohol exceeds the amount relegated by that state's law. Multiple cameras on the vehicle will give the sober operator the ability to properly accelerate, brake, and turn the car. This way the client in the vehicle will still feel like they are driving but they really won't. Our motto, "You drink, we'll drive."

Potential clients include Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, George Michael, and Paris Hilton.

In completely unrelated news:

The top box office numbers are in and the winner's podium goes to Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End, Shrek the Third, and Spiderman 3. I wonder if there has ever been a weekend that the top three movies are the third installments of trilogies? Probably not.

Memorial Day Weekend Marathon 2007

Friday marked the North Aiken ladies' last full day of school. Needless to say celebration was in order for these tireless women who fight to teach and tolerate those that are less fortunate and more trouble. Some will teach summer school and others won't but regardless, Friday night was a time to rejoice in the end of another year. Significant others attended the ladies for dinner and drinks...and dancing.

Saturday Polly and I tripped to Charelston for the day to meet with Robin and Jason. We met at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for lunch. The Riede's took the Vitali's in the first ever and only ever Forrest Gump trivia championship. After lunch the foursome went shopping in the market and on King St. We looked at a lot of things that we couldn't afford and then didn't buy them.



Sunday was spent at a friend's house swimming and grilling. Today (Monday) I am feeling the stupidity of refusing sun screen. O-U-C-H. However, I was named the best belly flopper of the day! The things we do for the approval of our peers. Sunday night we met with my family for a lovely Japanese steakhouse dinner where we could prove to Laurie the existence of Irish Travelers.

Who knows what today will bring...

Rock your F&*#$ socks off!

I forgot how much this song rocks my face off.




Also, feel free to check out singer/songwriter/chickie Colbie Caillat here. Bubbly is a personal favorite.

Top 5 songs on my iPod right now:
1: Only You- Yaz/Josh Radin
2: Wake Up Call- Maroon 5
3: Hey There Delilah- Plain White Tees
4: Home- Mark Broussard
5: Helena- Nickel Creek


Check 'em out if you haven't already!!!!

Finale Fodder

With the finales of Lost (will they actually get rescued?), American Idol (Melinda shoulda won), Scrubs (J.D. and Elliot are going to get together or aren't they?), The Office (Pam and Jim might finally get together!), and Desperate Housewives (Bree is back feigning pregnancy to protect her daughter, Carlos and Gabi are together again, Lynette has cancer, Mike and Susan finally got married, and Edie hung herself) gone and over, there exists a gap in the Riede household as of what to watch Sunday-Thursday evenings. We could do something positive, like, say, read a book, go out for a walk, or plant a tree.

Meh.

Thank heaven for Fox's So you think you can dance. Or as I like to call it.

So you think you wear pants
or
So you think your name's Lance

Anyway.

Just when we started to get the DT's from Idol withdrawal, Cat, Dan, Nigel, and Mary are back with auditions from the professional and gifted to the profoundly retarded. This lead to some impromptu demonstrations from my wife and myself to show that "we still got it". While my wife has had many years of classical dance training, not to mention several years on the dance team at her college alum, I have only dabbled in Ballroom and the remainder tof my training comes from the street...hahahahah! Okay, I learned to dance by going to clubs and watching the Wade Robson Project alone in my room. Needless to say, our "demonstrations" were rusty and embarrassing (mostly on my part). That's what I love about being married. You are free to make an ass out of yourself without fear of alienating the other person.

Everyone have a great Memorial Day Weekend!!!

Click on Napoleon for a fun show!

There she goes...

You asked for it, here it is: Your American Idol Post

And then there were two. Melinda Doolittle was cheated ousted last night as the competition was trimmed from a threesome to the final two: Jordan and Blake

Bogus. Fraud. Sham.

This outcome goes to show that you should never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers. Obviously (to anyone that has watched the show), Melinda deserved to be in the final two being the most consistent and talented of any Idol season (I have only watched this season, but she is that good that I don't have to know what happened in the previous seasons to know that she is by far the best). So if that is the truth, what the hell happened?

Girls between the age of 12 and 17...that's what happened. Shame on you! A plague o' both your houses!!!

Blake is a talented and attractive young man with multi colored hair and his finger lies firmly on the pulse of contemporary flair. This, of course, gives him the high-pitched squealing tween and teen chick vote.

"Like, OMG Blake is so AWSM!!!"

Although my wife did her best to cancel out every one of those air-headed, know-nothings, her efforts were thwarted as she was only given three hours and a limited battery to cast her votes. Don't get me wrong, Blake has a niche. His scatting/beatboxing/overall hipness is to be commended. He is a good singer. He isn't great. His rendition

Melinda and Jordan should have been the final 2. And I think Blake knows it. It's not his fault, but I bet he had trouble sleeping last night.

Mother's Day

The Longo Boys and Momma celebrating Mother's Day

I just wanted to send a Happy Mother's Day shout out blessing to all mothers: expecting, rookies, veterans, adoptive, pseudo-moms, in-laws, outlaws, step moms, den mothers, class mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, pet mothers, and all other mothers; any woman that has given any motherly advice, comfort, or security to anyone, ever...

THANK YOU!!!!!

Post Lobster Races

Okay, so we actually saw 2 total heats of racing lobsters..."Race" shouldn't really be part of the description of what goes on when the lobsters are put into their respective "tracks." In one particular heat, not one of the 5 competing crustaceans seemed to care about their objective. It took some cheating prodding to get the race underway.

I know what you're thinking: "Robert, Lobster Races don't really sound all that exciting."

You're right.

When you combine live music, local foods, and friends (and alcohol) you can have fun doing just about anything.

Here are some pictures from the festivities!!

Crustacean Chase

Today, Friday, May 4th, 2007 marks the 250th annual running of the Maine Lobster Races here in glorious Aiken, SC. Okay, maybe it's not the 250th annual or even the 200th. I think they started it in the mid 1980s as a spoof on the running of the Kentucky Derby. Downtown Aiken will be blocked off as local restaurants and stores will be peddling their wares, a local band will take the main stage, and lobsters will be racing in separate heats to win their freedom (the winner of each heat is granted reprieve, the rest are given their hot bath to heaven).

As the night rolls in the family crowd will thin as the seedier citizens surface. There will be underage drinking and numerous public regurgitations. The smell of garbage cans containing half-eaten funnel cake and cans of domestic beer backwash will waft in contained areas. All in all the usual crowd will be there...Aiken events down town are like high school reunions: everybody knows everybody and a caste system of cliques and popularity is evident.

I'll try to post pictures this weekend...

Lobster Race!!!

Addendum

I thought I had it all covered.

Recently a friend of mine faced similar opposition when dealing with FedEx and I felt I should learn from his experience.

Aware that my computer would be delivered today, I left a friendly and informative note for the delivery guy stating that I authorized him to leave the packages at my front door step in case there wasn't anyone home (cause I would be at work, as would my wife). I signed it. I even left the tracking numbers of the packages to be left at the door since there would be more than one package. I even called 2 days ago asking if I needed a special "door tag" to officially allow packages to be left at my door. I asked this question directly relating to this website where it indicates that "Indirect Signature" means that signing a FedEx door tag will allow the driver to leave the package at the door. The woman told me no, that any piece of paper would be sufficient.

I was wrong.

After hours of checking the e-updates through the tracking numbers I read the words - Delivery Exception- customer not available...

I went through all the BULLSHIT and came up with empty hands. I have called FedEx and I can't pick it up myself without chancing a 24/48 hour delay. AND, even if I sign the door tag that is hanging from my doorknob right now, it is the driver's discretion to leave the package if he thinks it's safe to leave. I can't change the address the package will be delivered to, only the shipper can. And that will delay shipment as well. So now, my computer is floating out there somewhere, alone with a stranger, helpless.

Needless to say, I am angry. The customer service for FedEx sucks. Wait time on the phone was short and the operators were kind, apologetic, and helpful, but it seems that their hands were tied by a system that doesn't allow them to help the customer.

I won't be using their services anytime soon.

May Day....May Day....May Day

Today I will be receiving my new computer from Dell after the BSOD encounter from last Friday. Let me preface: Friday morning of last week, my wife was using the computer and it began to make a clicking noise. As the resident techie I went to investigate and encountered the ill-received Blue Screen of Death (BSOD). After reboot I realized that there was a problem with my hard drive, I couldn't boot up at all and I cried with no shame. I regretted all those times I said that I would back up my files and never did.
At our home, being unplugged for more than 12 hours is unacceptable so I took the opportunity to upgrade to a new computer. I was on the phone with Dell by 11am and my order was placed shortly thereafter. Upon returning home from work that evening I found that my laptop simply needed a rest and booted up without incident. It has been working since and I have properly backed up all files. Although I could have cancelled my order from Dell, I took this event as a sign that it was time to get a new system.

I must say that the turn-around from ordering from Dell Friday and receiving Tuesday is quite exceptional. Now I wait at my desk, clicking the Tracking number from FedEx as I wait for the message "Package Delivered" so I can fake a stomachache, go home early from work and play with my new toy.

Under the Hood - Robert's Compy 2.1

Intel Core 2 Duo (1.8g, 800FSB)
250g hard drive
2G RAM
20in (viewable) wide-screen flat panel monitor
256mg Radeon Video Card
16x DVD +/- RW drive

Dude, I'm getting another Dell...sorry, I couldn't resist